Beginners guide to Dom/Sub dynamics

What is dom/sub play?

Are you prepared to don your Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey attire? Turn down the lights, pull out that lacey lingerie set you've been meaning to wear, and prepare for 50 colors of Adutoys(is it getting hot in here?).

Get ready for our beginner's guide to dominant and submissive play—which may contain a strap-on! Who knows? This kind of play involves the practice of two willing partners exchanging power voluntarily, and it stands for the second letter in the acronym BDSM (bondage & discipline, domination & submission, sadism & masochism). Control, certain positions in a partnership, surrender, service, routine, and hierarchy are all examined by the dom/sub dynamic. Usually, the dominant takes the lead in the action, while the submissive cedes authority to the dominant. Let your hair down! This kind of play is a way to escape into a fantastical realm of sexual expression.

Safety first

Before

A talk is necessary prior to playing dom/sub with a partner. This gives them the opportunity to think about it without feeling rushed to answer yes.

You could discuss the dom/sub relationship with your partner in the following ways, for instance:

"How would you feel about experiencing dom/sub play with me? I've been interested in doing so."

This gives your spouse the opportunity to express their true feelings, so be ready for them to say, "No, I'm not into it," which is perfectly acceptable! Make a plan for how you both separately define the roles of dominant and submissive if they are eager to explore this kind of BDSM. Start by looking up information about this kind of play online, then brainstorm a scene you two could make. "I'm comfortable with service play as a submissive (being a slave), but I don't want to be called names," or "I always want to end the session with cuddling in aftercare to feel connected" are examples of how equally vital it is to talk about each other's boundaries in advance. Establishing boundaries and expectations early on is crucial because, although the dom/sub dynamic can be incredibly sexual and add a little spice to the typical bedroom routine, it can also be frightening for those who are new to the world of BDSM. Maintain an open line of communication before, throughout (very critical), and even afterward.

During

As a sexologist, I advise using the traffic light system, where red indicates stopping, orange indicates approaching your threshold, and green indicates continuing. This is a valuable tool for conveying your boundaries at the moment and ensuring that you and your partner have a safe, agreeable, and, most importantly, enjoyable experience together.

After

If you only remember one thing from this blog, it's that aftercare builds the groundwork for dom/sub play. You can use this opportunity to check in with your partner and let them know that the kink scenario that just occurred is not representative of real life. It's the ideal moment to take care of one another (who wants to water?), snuggle, or discuss what you liked and/or didn't like.

How to get started

You will have decided who will be the dominant and submissive based on a talk you had with your partner before getting your kink on. Consider the scene that you will be performing in the roles. What do you need to get ready? Will your role need you to wear a specific outfit?

Hence. Many. Inquiries. Don't worry; we've got you covered. Would I keep you in the dark about this? Not at all. A little motivation for you and your significant other, perhaps?

You could pretend to be dominating and submissive in these kinky plots:

  • Student/Principal
  • Prisoner/Guard
  • Client/professional dominatrix
  • Client/stripper
  • Master/servant
  • Physician/patient
  • A hypnotist or someone being hypnotized
  • Witch, wizard, or someone enchanted
  • Passenger/pilot
  • Crazy scientist/human experiment
  • Employee/Boss
  • Owner/pet

Here's a couple of scene suggestions

  1. For this one, use any of the plots mentioned above. Forced orgasms, edging (pushing back or preventing an orgasm), or orgasm denial (not letting the submissive orgasm) are some ways that a dominating power might dominate their submission. For this, I strongly suggest utilizing Luna, a wearable vibrator with a remote control.
  2. In the master/servant storyline. Try this: the submissive cleans the house while the dominant sits on the lounge wearing anything the dominant wants. A spanking is one form of punishment meted out to the submissive if they disobey the dominant's rules. When they follow instructions, they experience an orgasm—maybe using a vibrator that the dominants choose (what a tease!).
  3. For the client/stripper storyline. Try this: while the dom is still playing with themself, the dom may strip in front of the sub and inform them they are allowed to watch but not touch.
  4. For the doctor/patient plot, try using temperature play. The dom might hold the sub while slathering the sub's body with hot wax or massage oil.

Lastly, it should be enjoyable! Use your imagination. If you are uncomfortable doing anything, don't force yourself to do it. The key is communication. Best friend, baby steps!