Power Exchange vs. Power Struggle: What to Do When You and Your Partner Are Both Switches

In a domain/sub-partnership, trading power has several benefits. As the submissive, you might love the rules and boundaries that come with being subservient to a partner, or you might want to lose control. As a Dominant, you can enjoy the personal rush of complete control over someone else's body and will.

It makes perfect sense that some people desire to have it both ways when you consider all of the delectable advantages of both jobs. The switch group is made up of people who want to play both dominant and submissive roles rather than committing to just one.

When two people in a committed relationship decide they wish to swap, what actually happens? A balancing act may be required in this situation. Negotiating a switch-switch partnership might be challenging at times since you may both feel like playing the dominant role at times or the submissive role at others.

When you both identify as switches, let's discuss how to make your BDSM relationship work such that your sexual life is filled with satisfying power dynamics rather than power battles.

BDSM Relationships: A Quick Overview

To comprehend the nuances of a switch-on-switch relationship, one must have a fundamental knowledge of what it means to be in a BDSM relationship.

BDSM, or Bondage Discipline Sadism, is an acronym. Masochism refers to a relationship style that is kinky and can range from an essential sexual act in which one person is "in charge" to a complex lifestyle in which all power is shared.

Even if you have never engaged in sexual activity, you may discover that your perspective on relationships and sexuality is fundamentally shaped by the role you identify with (see: switch). All backgrounds and identities are represented among BDSM participants. People of all genders and sexual orientations like BDSM, whether they are male or female, transgender or homosexual.

Here’s a TL;DR on need-to-know terminology:

• Dom: Also referred to as the Top. An individual engaging in sexual activity who assumes a leadership role and voluntarily controls their play partner or partners.
• Sub: Sometimes referred to as the bottom. Whether for a single scene or the duration of the relationship, a sexual participant voluntarily cedes some or all of their autonomy to a partner.
• Switch: A switch in a BDSM scene might play a dominant or submissive role. They might favor either dominance or submissiveness equally, or they might have a bias for either. Either way, they ought to feel at ease. Due to varying feelings of dominance or submissiveness or a desire to engage in a greater variety of activities or experiences, a switch may alter roles.

This is merely a beginning point to help you understand the varied terrain of power exchange relationships; it is by no means an exhaustive list of BDSM labels.

Importantly, your dynamic can be flexible, and responsibilities in D/s partnerships are self-selected. Dr. Joy Berkheimer asserts that players are free to choose how they want to define and navigate their interactions. It is therefore not unique for you to want to explore both roles if you and your partner both identify as switches.

"Surrender is the core of BDSM. In actuality, both sides constantly relinquish their predetermined roles, Berkheimer informs Adutoys.

"Surrender is a choice, and you can thrive in a variety of dynamics when you feel empowered by the knowledge that you always have a choice rather than feeling as though the options must be the same."

Dom vs. Sub

On opposing extremes of the spectrum, the dominant and submissive are both in compelling positions.

"A dom usually manages and plans the experience—they are the director, guiding the action, and they are the playwright," Dr. Berkheimer says. As long as the route chosen by their Dom benefits the sub as well, the sub is free to give in to it. For this to be done well, there must be mutual respect for limits and enjoyment. Although they direct their power in various directions, both of them are extremely powerful in this area.

You may do well as a switch in a variety of submissive and dominant roles.

Here are some roles you or your partner might be interested in assuming:

Types of Doms:

• Sadist: Giving others strong feelings, frequently through painplay, is what a sadist lives on. Emotionally dominating their partner may or may not be part of this. A sadist only wants someone to punish (or "furnish") them; they don't place much importance on customs or procedures.
• Mentor: From keeping an eye on their finances to maintaining a good sleep schedule, this dominant enjoys shaping or bettering their subordinate. You might not be interested in physical play as a mentor, but using sanctions to encourage your subordinate could be reciprocated.
• Femdomme: This phrase is commonly used to describe a female-identifying dominant who controls her partner or partners in the bedroom. Femdom, or female dominance, can take the form of physical acts like impact play or restraints or psychological ones like humiliation or demeaning your partner.
• Rigger: This dominant enjoys tying their partner up, and they are sometimes referred to as rope artists. Some riggers find it quite hot to twist their slave into complex knots. They also enjoy the sexual activity that occurs after their partner is bound; for others, bondage is a means to an end.
• Owner: A Dominant who wants to fully and totally own another human being is an owner. One may argue that it includes each of the roles above. An owner may exercise complete control over the bedroom while also monitoring a submissive's day routine. Both dominators and subordinates find this degree of control fascinating, but it requires constant communication and the ability to change the dynamic when necessary.

Types of Submissives:

• Little: These submissives, sometimes referred to as "babygirls," enjoy being pampered by an authoritative figure and identify with young children. In these circumstances, littles frequently look for direction and attention. Behavioral correction, where the child learns to expect punishment for misbehaving, may also be the focus of this dynamic.
• Rope bunny: When a partner ties or harnesses a rope bunny, it feels stimulated. For the considerable amount of time it takes to enjoy a rope bondage action, individuals may find the delayed gratification erotic or relish the feeling of being securely bound.
• 24/7: A 24/7 submissive cede control of their way of life to their dominant. In addition to sexual obedience, this could entail helping out around the house or giving money.
• Service submissive: Domestic tasks assigned by their dominant provide this kind of submissive with a sense of fulfillment. In addition to cooking and cleaning, service subordinates may serve as their dominant footstool or ashtray.
• Pet: These subordinates behave like their dominating parent's personal pets, frequently by crawling on all fours, wearing a leash or harness, or making animal sounds instead of talking. Petplay is not the same as a furry fetish; it allows couples to experiment with different power relations and play scenarios.

Power Exchange vs. Power Struggle 

Every kinky role that you and your partner adopt when playing together, such as Owner/pet or Rigger/rope bunny, represents a certain amount of power exchange. This phrase is used in BDSM to refer to situations in which participants consciously and voluntarily give up control to their play partner, either fully or partially, for a predetermined amount of time or in a particular scenario.

The boundaries of who has the authority in any particular circumstance become blurry if you and your partner both see yourselves as switches. Conflicts about who should take the lead may arise if you and your spouse can't agree on what roles you wish to play at any particular time. Before you realize it, you're engaged in a power fight rather than a power exchange.

The first way to mitigate this is to be clear about what you want.

The "bait and switch" is a prevalent problem that many members of the BDSM community are tired of, Dr. Berkheimer says. This occurs when a play partner first states that they identify as either a dom or a sub and that they are not a switch. You are pushed to play a character you are not entirely comfortable with shortly after you start to connect because of the persistent requests to alter roles. Particularly if you're not really a switch. Even though you only signed up for one experience, you can start to worry that you won't be happy when you participate.

Establishing unambiguous rules about your preferences can help to prevent your partner from feeling duped later on when you say you'd like to explore a different relationship. To avoid surprising your spouse in the heat of passion, discuss your desire to dominate in a non-sexual context if you've been playing the submissive position for a long time. The same is true for even more subtle shifts, such as going from a mentor-like interaction to a sadist one. In this manner, there can be a calm, pre-arranged transfer of power when the time comes, free from confusion, fear, or anxiety.

What to Do If You and Your Partner Are Switches 

Being a switch comes with many excellent benefits, even if your significant other is also one.

Dr. Bergheimer cites the diversity of sexual and sensory sensations as one of the advantages of a switch-switch dynamic. "The scenes, feelings, and experiences that I dom may differ greatly from those that my partner doms." Both of you will have the chance to experience what your partner has to offer, which gives you the opportunity to broaden your sexual repertoire.

However, to get all of these benefits, you must resolve any conflicts that may emerge between partners who have desires to sub and Dom. Being as explicit as possible about your sexual identity, dreams, and demands might help you create a strong foundation that endures the power struggle, according to Dr. Berkheimer.

"The easiest method would be to locate, draft, or finish a contract that details how you handle consent, safe words, or restrictions to the overall dynamic," she says. "After setting the scene, make sure you're still in agreement and create a forum to discuss changing needs by checking in with each other on a regular basis."

Your strongest assets in a partnership may be intimacy, safety, and trust while negotiating difficult situations where the power dynamics between two switches feel unbalanced. Knowing that your dynamic was developed with compassion at its core might help you calm down and return to the fundamentals when you're arguing with a partner who may feel just as strong, domineering, or demanding as you do.

Dr. Berkheimer advises leaving the bedroom during these stressful times and establishing consistent, intimate routines in your partnership.

She advises, "Return to mutually beneficial and individually beneficial activities. " Examples include going on a hike or practicing yoga together.

Both partners strengthen their self-soothing techniques, their intuitive awareness of what they need, and their connection to themselves. Additionally, it may allow two switch partners to help one another in different ways.

Setting strict rules for when your job changes could be alluring. If discussions like "I'll take over on Thursday, you'll top Monday through Wednesday" are making your bedroom seem tense, it could be time to relax.

Instead, focus on developing a deep understanding of your partner's needs and have faith that they are sufficiently aware of yours to peacefully transfer authority when the moment is appropriate.

Making switch-switch relationships work

Given the BDSM scene's kaleidoscopic diversity, a switch-switch relationship cannot be one-size-fits-all. It's about striking a balance between self-awareness, empathy, and communication that enables you to assist your partner in assuming the role that feels most natural for them while also sharing your needs in any setting.

Even while there will be challenges in your relationship, especially if both of you wish to switch, the excitement of experiencing an unending smorgasbord of D/s interactions with your partner is well worth the effort. You may create a connection that is both sincere and seductive by being honest about your desires, maintaining open lines of communication, and respecting one another's boundaries.