Yes, No, Maybe Lists

Over time, our sexual desires and tastes may change. You and your partner can have frank and open discussions about things you enjoy, dislike, or are interested in trying by using a Yes/No/Maybe list.

Everybody has varied sexual interests and opinions about what constitutes appropriate sexual play and behaviors. Thinking about what you want to do with someone or what they might not want to do with you might be overwhelming when you first start dating or playing with them. Using a Yes/No/Maybe list is an excellent method to discuss this subject in a relationship.

What are they?

Sexual activities, hobbies, positions, etc., that you would be interested in, don't want to do at all, or most definitely want to have to happen in the bedroom are broken down into Yes/No/Maybe (YNM) categories. YNM lists began as a BDSM-kink technique to help partners negotiate play. They have become more well-known and mainstream over time. To set hard and soft boundaries for play and to have a starting point for creating scenes to participate in, BDSM/kinksters would utilize YNM lists.

YNM lists have been utilized as a starting point for the consent discussion ever since they became increasingly popular. As the less experienced partner gets their toes wet and begins to explore the world of kink and BDSM, it has also gained popularity in couples where one spouse may be kinkier than the other in order to establish common ground.

Using a notebook or piece of paper, make three columns to build a YNM list. Each column will be labeled as follows: maybe in the third, no in the second, and yes in the first. Put anything that comes to mind in writing. Since you probably won't be able to think of every sexual activity in a single sitting, there's no urgency when making your list.

If you're more tech-savvy, you could make a YNM list on your phone and consult it each time you think of a new sexual action. Having it on your phone makes it easy to retrieve your list, mainly if you are somewhere else when a partner brings up sexual activities and what you are interested in or comfortable with.

How they can help facilitate the conversation with a partner

YNM lists are a fantastic way to start a conversation with a partner because they can be utilized as a conversation starter. Making your YNM lists together can take up an entire evening. Whatever excites you about an activity, create a fun environment with your favorite music, interesting lighting, food to munch on while making a list, fresh notebooks, or a creative poster board.

You should talk about the things you (and your partner) have written down for each section. For instance, YES: Think about whether there is something particular about a "yes" that excites you or your significant other.

NO: To increase intimacy and gain a deeper understanding of one another, discuss each no and pay attention to your partner's no list.

Perhaps: Discuss the prerequisites or requirements that must be completed for a maybe to turn into a yes. One requirement might be that it must be after a particular milestone (no anal until you're married or in a committed relationship), on a specific occasion (roleplaying and costumes can take place on Halloween when you're already in that frame of mind), or following extensive discussion in order for it to be a yes. You and your spouse can gain a better understanding of yourself, your desires, and your relationship by learning more about the various reasons why something might be in the area.

Examples of useful Yes/No/Maybe lists

YNM lists can be utilized in many ways throughout a relationship, even though they are frequently used for kink/BDSM and sexual play. YNM lists can be used for partnership agreements in polyamorous relationships or group play situations, for setting boundaries when you move in with a partner, or for organizing your first trip together.

Break the YNM list into categories to make it easier to think about if you want to start with one that concentrates on sexual activity. Adding elements to your sex life, like sex toys, restrictions, using porn, etc., is one example of a category.

Following any sexual engagement, not simply kink or BDSM, there should be aftercare procedures.

- Names you want to be called in the relationship or during intercourse.

Make a list of the things you would like to give or be the top of, as well as the things you would be content to receive or be the bottom of.

There are many tools available online if you are feeling overwhelmed by making your list and would like something to work from. A wealth of printable PDFs, such as YNM lists, exercises for identifying one's sexual preferences, how one likes to be spoken to, and fantasies, may be found on Autostraddle.

It is advised to review your YNM list every two to three years because we are constantly changing as individuals and sexual beings. This will provide you and your spouse the chance to regularly check in and maintain the spark in your relationship on all levels—physically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually—while also enabling you to see how your sexuality and sexual preferences evolve.